Maestro Hoss

EPISODE: Maestro Hoss

Episode #268, Season 8, Originally aired May 7, 1967

Guest stars: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Kathleen Freeman

Written by U.S. Andersen

Directed by William F. Claxton

SUMMARY:

The story opens with Hoss coming down a road and finding a not-so-young-but-still attractive gypsy woman (Zsa Zsa) struggling to replace a wheel on her wagon. Now, given Hoss' history of disaster when he meets a gypsy, you would have thought he would have ridden out of there at full speed! But no, goodhearted Hoss stops to help the woman, who he discovers is named Madame Marova. As Hoss is replacing the wheel on the wagon, Madame Marova lifts his wallet and discovers Hoss is carrying $178.50.

After Hoss fixes the wagon, Madame Marova offers to read his palm as a token of her appreciation. Hoss is a bit skeptical (run, Hoss, run!) but agrees. The gypsy woman tells Hoss that his hand shows the mark of a great musical genius, a mark she has only seen once before. Madam Marova then presents Hoss with a violin that she says a great maestro told her to pass on to the person who has a similar mark on his hand. Hoss is amazed and honored by the presentation of this musical instrument. Madame Marova then mentions that she owes money for the violin - a payment for when she had to pawn it. Hoss offers to give her the money she needs, which amazingly turns out to be the amount of $178.50.

Back at the ranch (I love using that phrase!), Ben and Joe are waiting for Hoss, who is late for supper. Ben sees Hoss sneaking into the house by the back door (another one of those moving pieces of the Ponderosa which seems to appear and disappear on a whim). Ben follows Hoss and meets him at Hoss' bedroom. Hoss is very secretive, and hurries down to dinner.

At dinner - which consists of burnt chicken and bread because Hoss was late and Hop Sing is in a snit - Ben notices Hoss has a dreamy look on his face and asks what is on his son's mind. Hoss is reluctant to tell his father but is finally persuaded to at least admit he has fallen in love. When Ben asks who the girl is, Hoss replies that one can love something other than a girl. Joe is shocked by this statement and looks at his brother suspiciously, thinking he is going to learn something about Hoss that he really doesn't want to know! Hoss quickly explains a person can love an object, like Joe loved a saddle he had. Joe is very relieved by this explanation, and Ben jokingly remarks that he is sure there are no geniuses on the Ponderosa. Hoss mysteriously replies that one just never knows.

The next morning, Hoss is missing and his father and brother go looking for him. As Ben and Joe arrive in the woods, they hear a terrible screeching sound. Ben thinks the noise is from a wounded animal, and Joe expresses the hope that the animal didn't hurt Hoss (he also encourages Ben to go first, just in case the animal is dangerous). Ben and Joe come across Hoss practicing his violin in the woods, and the two men can barely speak for laughing. Hoss glares at them and stalks off.

Back at the ranch (again, that wonderful phrase!), Ben and Joe come to Hoss' room to apologize and find out what is going on. As Hoss explains about Madame Marova, Joe starts rolling his eyes and making disparaging comments, which angers Hoss. Ben tries to quiet Joe while getting Hoss to finish his story. Once Hoss grudgingly admits giving money to the gypsy woman, Ben and Joe realized he has been conned and try to tell Hoss this. Hoss dismisses their idea of a scam and begins practicing, making an awful screeching sound on the violin.

Hoss begins practicing his violin day and night, driving Ben and Joe and everyone else insane with his terrible, off-key playing. The only one who likes what Hoss considers music is Hop Sing, who for some reason feels the shrieking noise is a reminder of China. Desperate to stop Hoss, Ben and Joe ride to Virginia City, looking for Madame Marova and find her in Roy Coffee's jail. They agree to pay the woman's fine as well as give her more money if she will go to the Ponderosa and convince Hoss to give up the violin. Madame Marova agrees (choice - sit in jail or make money from the Cartwrights? How tough was that to decide?) and Joe is ordered by his father to drive the gypsy to the Ponderosa.

On the road, Madame Marova "makes nice" with Joe and convinces him that she can see a beautiful, rich woman in his future. Joe starts to believe her (you'd think he'd have learned from Hoss' experience with the woman!) and gets out of the wagon to get a crystal ball from the back of the wagon. Madame Marova then drives off, leaving Joe on foot on the road, and with the Cartwright's money in her pocket. When Joe arrives home without the gypsy woman, Ben is not a happy camper.

In order to escape the nerve-grating sound of Hoss' violin practice, Ben and Joe finally go out to sleep in the barn. Roy Coffee finds them there the next morning and rudely awakens them (Joe wakes with a bridle wrapped around his head for some unexplained reason). They cook up a new scheme to end Hoss' violin playing - this time they will stage a concert with the new music teacher in attendance, calculating that the music teacher will convince Hoss that he has no talent.

While Ben goes off to invite the music teacher (an aging spinster who seems more interested in Hoss' qualities other than talent), Joe goes into his scheming mode. He convinces Hoss to give a concert for the Ponderosa ranch hands, telling his big brother that he is amazed by Hoss' playing (rolling his eyes as he says it) and that all great artists need some coaching. Chairs are set up in the living room, the hands are coerced into attending, and the music teacher arrives. Joe gives an elaborate introduction, and then Hoss begins to play - a screeching, barely recognizable version of Home Sweet Home. The music teacher and Hop Sing are the only ones enthralled with Hoss' playing, and the teacher (who is eying Hoss as a prospect for marriage) proclaims Hoss has talent. Hoss is pleased and promises to keep practicing while Ben and Joe are dismayed.

As Hoss continues to practice, Ben and Joe become increasingly despondent about having to live with the noise coming from Hoss' violin. Joe finally reaches the breaking point, sprinting from the house as he vows to find Madame Marova.

After much searching, Joe finally finds the gypsy woman. Madame Marova tries to charm Joe again, but this time, he's having none of it (he learns from his mistakes, does our Joe!). He tells her to return to the Ponderosa or he'll have the gypsy arrested for stealing a horse that she conned another man into giving her. Madame Marova agrees to return to the Ponderosa.

Once more back at the ranch (oh, I do love saying that!), Madame Marova looks at Hoss' palm again and declares the mark she originally saw is no longer there. She tells Hoss that she must reclaim the violin since he is obviously not the musical genius she thought he was. Hoss frowns at the idea but agrees that the mark is missing. He returns the violin to Madame Marova, to the great relief of Ben and Joe. Hoss declares he is going for a ride, while Ben and Joe are enjoying peace and quiet, and looking forward to a good night's sleep.

Hoss, however, returns with a large box. As Ben and Joe look on curiously, Hoss opens the box and produces a mandolin which he presents to Hop Sing. Then he pulls a cello from the box. Hoss and Hop Sing gleefully begin a duet of twanging, off-key and irritatingly noisy music. Ben and Joe look at each other and silently walk out of the house, marching determinedly to the barn. At the barn door, Joe turns and gives one last look of exasperation at the house, and then joins his father in the barn.

REVIEWS:

“I enjoy this comedy episode every time I see it. Ben and Joe’s increasing despair with Hoss’ playing and their scheming to try to stop him is really funny. I think what makes it even funnier is that everything they try goes wrong, and Hoss becomes more and more devoted to his playing. It’s one of those screwball episodes that just tickles my funny bone.” Susan Grote

“This isn't my favorite episode... But there are a lot of "Why?” questions asked. But all the "not said/not scene" things the episode bring to mind are so totally obscene it is hysterical. "Hoss err um, who are you in love with?" Ben ventures hoping against hope that this doesn't mean he will NEVER be a grandfather. Joe and Ben approaching what they think is a wild beast attacking Hoss... "Think it is hurting Hoss, Pa?" Then he lets Pa go first. Why? Why Joe is sleeping with a bridle around his throat? Why? Was Pa getting back at him for the wild beast thing or is Joe reminiscing about one of his girl friends who purred "All my men wear English Leather or the wear nothing at all!" Why are they even sleeping in the barn? Why not kick Hoss out of the house and smash the fiddle? I love when Joe gets Hoss dressed up for his concert. Ben says "Why did you let him wear MY dress suit?" (Which Hoss wears in later episodes when he is all duded up.) I also kept waiting for Joe to ask Zsa Zsa "By the way, Zsa Zsa, do you know a demented gypsy girl named TIRZA??? And do you have any relatives over by Hooterville? I used to date 3 gals who went swimming in the water tank." Robin

“I was perturbed by one aspect of this episode - Ben laughing at Hoss. I can understand Joe's snickering... but for Pa to blatantly make fun of his son! I can't buy it. Otherwise, it is an easy-going, uncomplicated show.” Lillian

“Everyone laughs at something their kids do at some point. I'd laugh at my son too if that had been him screeching away like that in the woods. Ben would not hurt any of his sons' feelings for the world, but funny is funny. Hoss knows his pa would not intentionally hurt his feelings.” Ginny

“I really enjoyed this episode too but I must say that it really needed Adam! Just as in "Hoss and the Leprechauns" a little dry, sarcastic big brother humor was missing. Nobody rolls his eyes or sighs the way Adam does.” Phyl

“I do find it strange that Ben allows Hoss to still be playing that violin at two in the morning, when they all have to be up for work the next day. I'm sure Ben was more likely to tell Hoss to stop practicing than go and sleep in the barn. My favorite scene is the one in Hoss' bedroom when he is explaining to Ben and Joe how he got the violin and how he knows he is a genius. Joe keeps interrupting and Hoss gets ready to pound on him. Ben tries to get Joe to be quiet and to calm down Hoss; it's so funny watching the expressions on Joe's face.” Lynne

“This ep is right up there with "Hoss and the Leprechauns" and "The Flapjack Contest" and "Ponderosa Explosion". Joe and Hoss have great comedic timing and Ben just adds to the humor. The two of them ganging up and scheming to stop Hoss' horrible violin playing is just hysterical. Hop Sing is very funny also in his stubborn devotion to Hoss, at all costs. Even Sheriff Coffee is funny in the scene where he finds Joe and Hoss sleeping in the barn.” Nancy

“I love the part when Madame Marova tells Joe she needs her crystal ball to be able to tell him more about the beautiful, rich woman. . . he jumps out of the women muttering something along the lines of "I don't believe in crystal balls, but I'll get the crystal ball. . . But my most favorite scene is when Joe arrives home to face Pa's wrath over the missing Madame Marova. Ben is pacing the floor waiting for Joe to return; he walks to the front door and opens it and finds Joe standing there hat in hand. Joe slides by him with Ben looking past him to see where Madame Marova is. "Joe, where is Madame Marova?" to which Joe replies, "Uh, she's gone." Ben: "What do you mean gone?" Joe: "She drove off in her wagon when I got out to get something -- Uh, good night, Pa, I'm tired; I'm going up to bed." Ben: "Wait a minute, what did you get out of the wagon to get?" Joe, twisting his hat in his hand and with his voice cracking, says "a crystal ball." With this, Ben slams the front door and Joe winces -- then it cuts to commercial. To me this is just one of those great Bonanza comedies -- yeah it's kind of silly but sooo enjoyable! Such versatile actors our guys were! I do wish big brother Adam had been around to join in the fun!” Bev