EPISODE: Joe Cartwright, Detective

Reviewed by Lillian

Episode 260, Season 8, originally aired March 5, 1967

Guest Stars: Mort Mills, Ken Lynch, Bing Russell

Story by: Oliver Crawford

Teleplay by: Michael Landon

Directed by: William F. Claxton

SUMMARY:

At the breakfast table, Joe has his head buried in a detective novel:  How to Solve Crimes, by Inspector Foote.  Hoss is totally uninterested in Joe's latest obsession and just asks for the eggs to be passed.  Joe wants to know if that's all he has to say and Hoss says, that he'd actually like to have the bacon passed, too.  Joe berates him, saying he is reading about the greatest feats in criminology as he tries to broaden his mind and all Hoss is interested in is to broaden his middle.  Ben comes in and asks Joe to please stop reading at the table.  Joe tries to explain that he just keeps reading about one interesting case after another.  Ben says, really, and that he, too, has a case for him...a case of horseshoes that have to be picked up at the livery in town...and he needs them to go to the bank.  He instructs Hoss to go along with Joe and keep an eye on him. As they leave, Ben sighs, "My son the detective."

ACT I

Hoss and Joe pull into the livery. Hoss talks to the livery man about the shoes and then budges Joe that they have to go to the bank.  Joe ignores him.  Hoss nudges him again.  No response - Joe has his head buried in the book.  So Hoss clears his throat and says, "Hi, Pa."  Joe quickly hides the book and is disgusted when he sees how Hoss fooled him

They go to the Cattleman's Bank, Mr. Tom Barnes, manager.  Hoss goes to the teller, the beautiful Bessie Sue, and Joe reads his book.  In come two well-dressed travelers, Mr. Harry Perkins and Mr. George Sims of New York.  They are very interested in the safety precautions of the bank and about the quality of the vault... after all, they are expecting a large sum of money, which they intend to deposit.  The manager proudly shows off his solid steel safe with a three stage combination.  Joe's ears perk up (literally...one of them wiggles) as he hears all these questions about the safe.  He runs back to Hoss, who is trying to invite Bessie Sue to a dance...Joe interrupts. Hoss says, "Why don't you solve a crime or something."  Bessie Sue promises Hoss a dance and Joe pulls him aside telling him what he just observed.  Hoss tells him to stop all his imaging. 

As they go back to the livery, the two men leave the bank and the bank teller runs after them, yelling, "STOP."  Joe wants to run after them so he and Hoss jump into the buggy, and Hoss urges the horses to start running...they do...and he falls right out...face down in the mud...the horses weren't hitched to the buggy! Joe comes to his brother's aid...are you all right?  Hoss gives him a dirty look. Then the two "desperados" come back...the manager was yelling after them because they forgot their brief case!

The two businessmen go to the Palace Hotel, which Joe finds fascinating and Hoss says, really, well where did you want them to sleep...in the street?

Joe looks at the register to see, which room is theirs. Room 6. He tries to listen to the door.  Then uses Hoss as a stepping stool, Joe climbs up to the transom to listen in...he sees someone coming out of the room...he tries to warn Hoss as he jumps up on the ledge of the transom...it's too late...this HUGE woman in a nightgown opens the door and sees Hoss, on all fours, peeking at her.  Hoss asks here if she'd be interested in buying an encyclopedia.  He winces and swallows hard - Ma'am, you're bigger than I am."  And she wallops him...down he goes.  Joe comes to his brother's aid...are you alright...Hoss gives him a dirty look.  Hoss figures out that Joe didn't turn the registry around and the men were staying in Room 9 not Room 6...so, Joe goes stomping (on Hoss' hat) down the corridor to Room 9

ACT II

These men really are bank robbers and Hoss and Joe over hear them. They go to Clem to tell him what they've uncovered.  Joe thinks it's obvious but Clem is skeptical, telling them he can't arrest them till they do something.  Joe is purely disgusted at Clem's refusal to help.

They leave his office and see Mr. Sims go into the Silver Dollar.  Joe has a plan - get the guy drunk, loosen his tongue and find out what he has up his sleeve.  He introduces himself as a drifter and buys Mr. Sims a bottle of whiskey and plies him with beer. The plan works, except it's Hoss and Joe who get sloshed to the gills.

HOSS:  Hey Joe, are you sure you played this whole thing right?

JOE:     Certainly, I did

HOSS:  Seems to me you gave him a whole lot more information than he gave you.

It don't matter...I love you Joe!

In the meantime, Joe is flat on the floor...he tipped over his own seat!  And Hoss just keeps on talking....(This is one of the most hysterical scenes in the history of the series)

ACT III

The Great Room of the Ponderosa.  Ben is fuming.  He is speaking in a very loud whisper.  All I asked you was to go into town and do a few simple errands.  Hoss is stooped over, holding his head.

Ben:  Stand up when I talk to you!

He continues with his tirade.  It should have taken two hours...it took twelve and then I had to go into town and bring you back myself.  Why? Because you were drunk!  And when I asked you why you were in this condition, what was your reply?

BEN:  Because you were trying to capture bank robbers

JOE:  That's right and there's a crime about to be committed.

BEN: JOSEPH, there is a crime about to be committed and I am desperately restraining myself from committing it this very instant!

Ben informs them that, as of tomorrow, he is increasing their chores.  He goes to bed and suggests they do the same, because tomorrow is going to be a very long day.

When he is gone, Joe gets that glint back in his eye and connives Hoss into continuing with their detective work.  He tells Hoss that if they catch the robbers, Bessie Sue will be so grateful...that's all Hoss has to hear...he's hooked.

They pile red clay around the bank...so that the robbers will have telltale mud caked in their shoes and they will be able to be easily identified. This late work goes on for four consecutive nights.  Hoss is falling on his face. 

After breakfast, which Hoss is too tired to eat, Hoss and Joe go to work and Clem comes to visit Ben and asks for his help. Clem brings him to the bank door and shows him the red clay.  Ben wants to know what kind of idiot would pile mud around like this (if only he knew!)  Clem has a plan...

Segue to the bank robbers who are getting ready for a profitable evening

Segue to Hoss and Joe who have come to pile more mud around the bank. Joe hears noises inside the bank.  He knows he's got them.  They're in there.  He tells Hoss, there's only one thing WE can do...YOU gotta rush 'em.  1-2-3...in they go.  Pow, pow...they knock out the intruders in the bank.  Joe lights the lantern...Hoss is telling one of the men inside the bank to calm down or "I'll break

your leg."

JOE:       Hoss....don't break it

HOSS:    (Seeing for the first time the face of the man he captured...) Hi, Pa

BEN:      You're sitting on me!

Ben has a black eye and he insists that Clem but Hoss and Joe in jail.

Segue to observers in the alley: The bank robbers see the "drifters" caught red-handed. They state, "That was close...it could have been us."

Ben leaves his sons and jails and laments, "Where did I go wrong as a father?"

HOSS:  Joseph, that's the last time I'm gonna ever listen to you.

JOE:      Hoss, I never told you it would be easy being a detective

HOSS:  A detective?  JOSEPH, we ain't detectives...we're prisoners!

ACT IV

Back at the ranch, Ben is patiently waiting for Hop Sing to serve him dinner.  The oriental factotum is mumbling and grumbling about how he had to reheat food.  He wants to know where Hoss and Joe are.  Ben tells him they're in jail.  He wants to go and break them out, Ben says absolutely not...just bring me my dinner.  Hop Sing complies...bringing bread and water.  "Bread and water good for son...Bread and water good for father."  He stomps back into his kitchen.  Ben relents and decides to go release his boys...But this is the last time!

Bank robbers decide to bust the "drifters" out of jail, so they can have a scapegoat for when they rob the bank.  They knock out Clem and free Hoss and Joe. 

Ben goes to the jail to find a dizzy Clem and an empty jail cell. His boys are gone...Bank robbers go to the bank...

Hoss and Joe go wait for them in the dark alley. 

When they come out of the bank, a melee begins (to the familiar Batman tune - pow, zap, bang, boom). The dust settles, Joe and Hoss are the only ones left standing. Joe lights a lantern...who is unconscious on the ground?  Clem and

Ben!

Hoss starts bawling.

TAG

Bank robbers in jail, Clem thanks Joe, Ben is proud of his boys and gives them the day off.  Joe sees a suspicious character going into the stable...he tells Hoss to sneak around from the other side...Hoss just runs away...superspeed!  Joe continues to read the book: “How to work alone!”

REVIEWS:

"This ep has one of the best Hoss/Joe comedy scenes ever when Joe and Hoss are trying to get those 2 guys drunk and end up getting drunk themselves. Joe slides under the table and when Hoss can't find him, he looks for him under his hat.  Joe might be "Little Joe", but (as he told Lotta), he's not that little.  HEE!" Ginny

"This is a typical Joe-Hoss comedy, with Joe doing all the scheming as Hoss does all the work. My favorite part is when Joe and Hoss are waiting for the bank robbers who they expect to be trapped in the mud, and end up attacking Pa and Clem. I love the way Pa is so mad at first that he has his sons put in jail and leaves them there, then becomes remorseful about doing that (with Hop Sing nudging his conscience more than a little by serving his boss bread and water). It's great fun to watch, but you also get the sense that Hoss and Joe could never do anything bad enough to really make their father want to disown them (although they came close this time!)." Susan Grote

"One part that I remember vividly is the one you mentioned, where Joe's nose is buried in his detective book as Hoss and he arrive into town.  Realizing that Hoss doesn't have Joe's attention, he calls out "Hi Pa!"  The look on Joe's face when he jumps up startled, and then realizes that Hoss is pulling his leg is priceless!" Sherri

'I like that ep. Really funny. Joe's a very good detective as we all see. :) He's a smart kid. :)" Karine