EPISODE: A Lawman’s Lot Is Not A Happy One

Reviewed by Karine (Estonia)

Episode number 337, Season 11, First aired: October 5, 1969

Guest stars: Tom Bosley

Written by: Robert Vincent Wright
Directed by: Don Richardson

SUMMARY:

Ben and Roy are waiting for the stagecoach to go to San Francisco to testify against timber sharks. Roy is worried if they return in good time. Ben says not to worry; besides he pays all the expenses.

Roy goes to the stage office and asks a very nervous Hiram where the stagecoach is. Roy asks why Hiram acts like a ferret in a perfume factory.

Stagecoach arrives. After a big man, Hoss steps out, and Cissie Summers comes after him. Hoss introduces them to Ben. Big man’s name is Mr. Forbes, who asks where the hotel is; Ben gives the directions to the “Palace” hotel.

Cissie asks about Hiram Peabody; Hoss says that he is right behind her in the stage office. A tiny wedding tune is mixed into the music so that we could guess what might be going on.

Roy says that he can’t go because there should have been a deputy on that stagecoach. Hoss explains that he met that man whose name was Roscoe Willard and explains what happened between them. Ben insists (as only Ben can do) that Hoss takes over as a deputy.

FAMOUS BONANZA TUNE

Hoss waves (you should see it yourself, it’s so funny) to Ben who happily waves from the leaving stagecoach.

Cissie comes out from the stage office and says that she didn’t see Hiram. She also tells Hoss about all the letters they have sent to each other and says that she’s going to marry Hiram. Hoss is surprised. While waiting, she decides to take a hotel room. And of course Hoss carries ALL (there’s a lot of it) the luggage Cissie has.

In the next scene, we’re in saloon. Forbes and Fairfax are coming in. Now all Joe fans can be happy because there he is himself (if I saw right, there’s a MP sighting too). Hoss and Candy are there too. Forbes guesses who everybody is (I’m still wondering how he does that), and Hoss introduces him to everybody with their names.

Forbes says that all drinks are on him (?) and he himself takes the finest of the house. Fairfax checks the cleanness of the glass and accidentally drops the drawings that were on the table. Forbes calls him names and asks everybody to forget what they saw.

In the sheriff’s office... When Hoss comes in, Cissie is there and says that she couldn’t find Hiram. Hoss says that he’s probably somewhere doing important things. Cissie calls Hoss a Big Ole Fuzzy Bear.

As soon as Cissie leaves, Hiram comes out from under the desk where he managed to hide right before Cissie stepped in.  Then he says that it was so easy to write all those letters where he said that he was 6’3” and rich and handsome. Then he thinks that Hoss should put him in jail so that Cissie would leave. Then he tries to attack Hoss (you should see that scene yourself, it’s so funny that I can’t describe it and my bad English counts in too).

Then we see a scene where Fairfax and Forbes are surveying a land. Mr. Greene and Judge Franklin are spying or just watching the whole thing. Greene asks if that land is still for sale and Judge Franklin says that the price has gone way up.

In the saloon (where you should hide your heads in this scene) drunken Hiram is howling and shooting the bottles. Bartender tells Hoss to put Hiram in jail for 30 days. Hoss says that he is the sheriff and says that he will take him home, gives some coffee and talking.

In the sheriff’s office, Hoss gives a mug of coffee to Hiram and tells him to go home and get some sleep. Hiram says that Hoss should bring Cissie there so that she could see what a useless drunk he is. Hoss says, before leaving, that Hiram will meet Cissie the next morning. After Hoss has left, Hiram sees a lady and a man with the baby buggy in one hand and lots of things in the other.

Cissie is walking down the street searching for Hiram, but bumps in with Joe who is reading newspaper. At first she thinks that he is the right one (rich and handsome) until Joe tells his name. Cissie’s umbrella falls down and Joe picks it up (he is a gentleman) but Cissie thinks something else and starts beating Joe with the umbrella (poor baby… I mean Joe not the umbrella) while calling the sheriff. Hoss runs quickly to the place where they are. Cissie asks him to arrest that thief but Hoss says that it’s his little brother Joseph. Cissie forgives and says that she can’t be mad to a brother of a Big Ole Fuzzy Bear. Joe hears that and promises not to tell anyone, maybe few friends, Pa, Candy. And then he says: “See you, Fuzz!” (I love how he says that with that soft voice of his. I melt every time I hear it).

A picnic in the nature. Important people of the Virginia City are sitting around the table, plus Forbes and Fairfax, who is standing next to him. They’re talking about local investments and that new Virginia City Hotel Spa.

In a hotel, Forbes is ironing trousers. We find out who the main bad guy is. Then Forbes cleans Fairfax’ shoes and learns the speech that Fairfax has written.

Back in the sheriffs office. Hoss sends Hiram home. Right after that, Joe and Candy are coming in. Hoss starts speaking with much deeper voice. Joe mentions that to him. Then Joe starts to explain what kind of meal Hop Sing has made. Hoss finds out that he has to arrest Forbes. Joe says that of course he has to, he (Hoss) is the sheriff and closes the door behind him but opens it again about half a moment later. “What?!”

People are buying certificates. Candy gives $100 for one. Hoss comes into the bank, and a few seconds later, a little bit clumsy Hiram with a red handkerchief over his face rushes in and wants Hoss to arrest him. Instead of that, Hoss sends him home. Then he arrests Forbes, but Greene and Franklin are against it.

In the sheriff’s office, Joe says that it’s a false arrest. Hoss asks Joe to leave and says that he can handle everything except one thing (while opening the door). About a second later, he tries to hide himself from a group of ladies who brings all kind of things with them to make Forbes’ cell look like a rich person’s bedroom. Joe gives them the keys.

Later when the ladies are done with the cell and Forbes says that he keeps selling the stocks, Joe thinks what the penalty of false arrest is.

Hoss is going to the telegraph office (third time, as Elbert Higgins says). On his way, he says Hello to everybody but people are unfriendly (because Hoss arrested Forbes).

Hoss sees Cissie near the hotel. Cissie says that she might not get married after all (no wonder, she’s wearing a blue dress in that scene).

In jail, Forbes is snoring so loudly that Hoss can’t sleep. And then there are knocks on the door. Elbert (telegraph operator) brings no happy news to Hoss. It says that described man was arrested six months ago and went to jail for ten years.

The next day. Joe is eating chicken that was meant for Hoss and tells Hoss to take one too. But Hoss is busy thinking about Forbes and all and rushes out. Joe keeps eating chicken (yummy. Every time I watch that scene, I get hungry)

Hoss asks in telegraph office to send another telegram. After that, he’s back in the office and wants some chicken, but he’s too late. Joe ate all.

Hoss arrests Hiram because he shoots a lamp in the sheriffs’ office.

Forbes is selling stocks while Elbert brings message to them. Forbes and Fairfax lie to everybody saying they have to go back to Kansas City and want to take collected cash with them.

Cissie is ready to leave; coming out from the hotel, she meets with Joe and Candy who tells her that Hiram is in jail. Cissie gets mad and goes straight to jail. Joe says that a lawman’s lot is not a happy one.

At the same time, Hoss is waiting for the telegram with the answer. Stage coach is leaving in five minutes. Finally the telegram arrives and Hoss runs to where the stage coach is.

Hoss says to Forbes and Fairfax that they are arrested. The rest of the town folks start arguing with Hoss; at the same time, Forbes and Fairfax are escaping through the stage coach (I wonder why no one saw it).

Greene takes away Hoss’ badge. People find out that Forbes and Fairfax have escaped. Then Hoss explains that Fairfax is the main baddie.

Joe and Candy are coming out from the café, laughing. They see Forbes and Fairfax escaping. Joe says to Candy that there goes his hundred dollars. Then they “round” the bad guys up.

While arguing, Hoss accidentally hits Judge Franklin. Then he sees people carrying Joe like a hero.

Cissie and Hiram are having their wedding in jail because Cissie wanted Hoss to be a Best Man, but Hoss is locked up. After giving the ring to Hiram, Hoss asks the new sheriff how long he has to be there. New sheriff who wears tan shirt and a green jacket says thirty days. Then we see the rest of him too.

And the very last sentence of that episode comes from Joe (who has a deep voice):“Next time you hit somebody, don’t hit the Judge.”

REVIEWS:

“Good-hearted Hoss tries so hard to make everything right for everyone, but all he does is get himself in deeper and deeper messes. I always thought it was a bit of a twist that Hoss was the only one who saw through the con men. Usually, Hoss is the gullible one who gets taken in. The thing I don't like about this episode is that it gets a bit complicated with two different storylines -- the con men and the Cissie-Hiram "romance". I think the episode would have been better if the writers had concentrated on one or another of the plots but not both. I loved how Joe just blithely ignores Hoss' troubles in this episode, and then in the end, becomes the hero. The whole bit about lowered voices to show authority is funny, too. And, of course, the guest appearance by the MP is certainly of note! This is a fun episode, and one I enjoy watching.” Susan Grote

“I love the scene where Cissie hits Joe with her parasol and then finds out he's Ole Fuzzy Bear's little brother. Joe's delight at hearing Hoss referred to as this is wonderful. I also like the bit where Joe eats all the chicken and keeps giving Hoss advice on how to do his job, and how Joe ends up with the job, after Hoss gets arrested for hitting the judge. Hoss does a good job trying to protect the citizens of VC from being conned and getting nothing but abuse for his efforts, and it's nice that he's proved right at the end of the ep.” Lynne Little Joe forever

“This episode was entertaining but not one of my top 10 or 20 for that matter.  Great guest stars though and the plot was cute.  ML had some great lines and visuals, but it was missing something for me.  It was as if they were trying to capture that old comedic timing of the earlier Hoss/Joe ep's and to me it seemed to miss.  Maybe it had to do with the writing?  Ah, but all is not lost... there is ML eating fried chicken and getting beaten by a parasol!” Nancy
 

“Although this may not be one of the best comic episodes, I do like it. It is the first episode I really became aware of the show, so it holds a soft spot for me because of that. Poor Hoss tries his best and ends up in jail in the end anyway, with Joe in charge. You just gotta feel sorry for him!” Leesa

“This lighthearted episode always gives me a chuckle. One highlight for me is Hiram's holdup attempt where he fumbles to draw the 2 guns out of the paper bag and tells everyone to put their hands up or "taste lead" - and how after the initial surprise, no one is impressed once they realize it is Hiram. While the Hiram/Cissy story line is the fun part of the episode for me, I don't think that alone would be enough to carry a whole episode. Thus the con man story, which evidently isn't necessarily meant to be all that funny in and of itself, but gives Hoss a more important distraction to deal with. But some of the scenes revolving around the con men take too long and belabor their points, especially the picnic scene. And some of the gags related to that story line just aren't very funny, such as Fairfax swapping in empty champagne glasses - several times (we got it the first time guys, and it wasn't all that funny then!)” Sue W.