The Hayburner

EPISODE: The Hayburner

Season 4, Episode 121, originally aired February 17, 1963

Guest Stars: William Demarest, Ellen Corby

Written by Alex Sharp

Directed by William F. Claxton

SUMMARY:

This is one of my favorite comedies and one that taught me the meaning of the word "security"! It’s also great example of the Cartwright boys acting like real brothers, with sibling rivalry in the forefront. Unfortunately, though, Joe keeps his shirt on during the entire episode.

It’s hard to convey all the wonderful facial expressions and great dialogue which make this episode so funny in a review. You really have to watch it to appreciate it. The best I can do is tell you the plot so you can concentrate on watching the faces and listening to the lines the next time you watch this episode.

As the episode opens, Adam comes into the livery stable and finds Hoss playing poker with the owner. Hoss admits to Adam he’s lost a lot of money to the liveryman, which doesn’t bother Adam until Hoss reluctantly adds that he put up the thoroughbred horse he and Adam bought to run into the Virginia City race to cover his losses. Adam is furious but can’t do anything about the situation because he and Hoss have spent the rest of their money on other “toys” like a new rifle and saddle.

When Adam and Hoss return to the Ponderosa, they find Joe sprawled across the settee, chomping on an apple. Joe excitedly admires Adam’s new gun and Hoss’ new saddle, adding that he wished he could afford such “toys” but admits he doesn’t have any money to buy them. When Hoss offers the sage advice that Joe ought to be more careful about money, Adam pointedly tells Hoss that “you’re just the one to advise him, aren’t you?”

Ben enters the room and after admiring the rifle and saddle (and telling Joe to take his feet off the furniture), he reads a letter from his old friend Enos Milford, who wants Ben to send one of his boys to the Milford ranch to help break some horses. Enos offers to pay for this service. Adam and Hoss immediately jump on the chance to earn some money so they can get their racehorse back and start debating which one should go. Joe objects, though, and wants his chance to make some money too. Ben agrees that they all should have an equal chance to be chosen, and the boys choose matches to decide the winner. Although Adam and Hoss figure they have 2-to-1 odds in their favor, Joe wins. Disgusted, Adam throws his match away, commenting that they shouldn’t send “a boy to do a man’s job” (ouch! Nasty comment there, Adam). Joe is unfazed and merely observes that “youth must be served”.

At the Milford ranch, Enos Milford (also known as Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons) is tired of waiting for one of the Cartwright boys to show up and decides to break a horse or two himself. His wife Cora (also known as Grandma Walton) is alarmed when she sees the elderly man getting thrown from a horse. She rushes out of her kitchen and starts berating her husband for his foolishness. Just then, though, Joe arrives, and the Milfords greet him warmly. Enos suggests Cora offer Joe a slice of her famous pie, at which point Cora realizes her pies are burning in the oven. Cora rushes off, admitting she too can make a mistake (this is a nice scene where you see a long-married couple fussing at each other but their strong love is apparent).

Joe learns that most of the horses he has been hired to break have already been tried by Enos (which makes them harder to break) and shrewdly negotiates a better deal for payment for breaking the horses.

While Joe is riding the horses, Hoss and Adam go to town to check on their thoroughbred, which the livery owner wants to get rid of. The owner calls the horse a “hayburner” because he does nothing but eat (hence the title for the episode!). Hoss and Adam admit they still don’t have the money to redeem the horse, but it suddenly occurs to them that Joe has been gone long enough to have earned a good pile of cash. The two decide to go off to visit brother Joe.

At the Milford ranch, a sore and tired Joe suspiciously greets his brothers and asks why they’ve come to see him. After beating around the bush for awhile, Adam finally admits they want to borrow money from Joe in order to get their thoroughbred horse back. Adam insists there’s no way the horse can lose the Virginia City race and Joe will get his money back plus more.

Joe, however, is not interested in Adam’s proposition. He’s never seen the horse, and there’s always a chance the horse could lose. He’d be throwing away his money. Adam is a bit shocked at Joe’s response and asks what it would take to get the loan. Joe tells Hoss and Adam that he wants “security” for his loan – if the horse loses, he wants Adam’s new rifle and the thoroughbred as compensation. At first, Adam and Hoss turn down Joe’s offer, calling Joe a “shylock” and other names (boy, those two get nasty when they don’t get their way, don’t they?) but they are so convinced the horse will win that Adam and Hoss finally agree to Joe’s terms.

In the kitchen of the Milford house (where Adam is pouring coffee into his saucer and drinking it), Joe tells Enos to give the money he’s earned to his brothers. Adam snatches the cash to keep it out of Hoss’ hands. When Enos asks why the boys want the money, Adam explains about the thoroughbred racehorse. Enos’ eyes light up, but Cora immediately squashes his interest, telling Adam, Hoss and Joe about a racehorse Enos once bought which broke its leg before it could win any races. Trying to deflect Cora’s tirade, Enos suggests she offer the boys some pie, but this time the pies aren’t ready yet (instead of being burned).

After using Joe’s money to get their horse, Adam and Hoss sneak the animal into the barn. They don’t want to tell their Pa about the horse because Ben doesn’t approve of buying horses that can’t be used for ranch work. While Adam and Hoss are debating who will break the news about their purchase to Pa, Ben walks in. Adam convinces Ben the horse will win the Virginia City race and promises to sell the animal right after the race. Ben finally agrees to the scheme, but is not pleased when Adam and Hoss want to borrow some money from him to bet on their horse. When Ben asks for security for the loan, Adam and Hoss get a sick look on their faces.

At the Milford ranch, Joe and Enos are relaxing on the porch in the evening (Joe’s shirt is out of his pants – but still on – implying a long day of breaking horses has just been completed). Enos asks Joe about a black horse he has broken and Joe agrees the horse is the fastest thing he’s ever ridden. With that news, Enos suggests entering the black horse in the Virginia City race and offers to give Joe a part of the prize money if he wins. At first Joe is reluctant – his brothers have a horse in the race and he’s a part owner. But then Enos points out that Joe can’t lose – if he wins on the black horse, he gets money from Enos, the thoroughbred and Adam’s rifle. If Joe loses riding the black horse, he still gets his share of the thoroughbred’s winnings. Joe’s eye light up at the thought of coming out ahead no matter what happens and becomes interested in the idea. Enos sweetens the deal by showing Joe a racing saddle he has hidden away. Since the racing saddle is much lighter than the one Adam will be using, it could give Joe the edge he needs to win. Joe enthusiastically agrees to the idea.

In the barn before the race, Adam and Hoss discover Joe brushing down the black horse and ask him what he’s doing. Joe is reluctant to answer, so Enos explains about the plan – how Joe will win no matter which of them actually wins the race. When Hoss and Adam give Joe a disgruntled look, Joe innocently explains he’s just trying to learn how to manage money better, as they suggested. He breaks into a grin as Adam and Hoss walk away in disgust.

The big Virginia City race is run, and Joe’s little black horse edges out Adam at the end. Adam graciously admits defeat, and hands the reins of the thoroughbred to Joe.

Back by the livery stable, Joe is gleefully collecting Adam’s rifle from his oldest brother as Ben and Hoss look on. Joe also explains that he traded the thoroughbred to Enos Milford for the black horse. Enos always wanted another racehorse, and although Cora still disapproves of racing, she lovingly tells her husband that he can have the horse he wants.

As the Cartwrights are getting ready to leave, the livery stable owner comes up to Hoss and hands Hoss some money, telling him that the money is his winnings from the race. Adam suddenly realizes that Hoss bet on Joe’s horse, not their thoroughbred. This is the last straw for Adam, who has lost his rifle, his horse, and the race. Adam slowly moves toward Hoss, shedding his jacket and pushing up his sleeves. Hoss realizes Adam is furious and starts backing away, offering Adam the money and anything else he can think of in order to mollify his brother. As Ben and Joe watch with amusement, Ben asks if Joe wants to bet on the outcome of the fight. Joe grins and asks Ben what he will offer him as security for the bet. The episode ends with Adam slowly walking toward a now terrified Hoss.

REVIEW:

"Adam and Hoss keep taking a dismissive attitude toward their little brother throughout the episode, and then find themselves continually having to deal with Joe to try to get what they want. The best scene is the one by the barn when Hoss and Adam try every possible tactic to get the money from Joe and Joe airily waves away their pleas, giving in only when he gets what he wants. I love it when Hoss pretends to have just come for a visit, and Joe suspiciously doubts the idea, saying "Because it's a long ride from the Ponderosa and we grew up together...remember?" Poor Adam keeps coming up the loser in this one, through no fault of his own. Joe keeps looking young and vulnerable to gather support from his father and Enos Milford, all the while he's scheming away as much as his brothers." Susan Grote

"An episode guaranteed to make me laugh from beginning to end. One scene comes to mind, is when Joe has finally agreed to provide Hoss and Adam the money. He's inside in the rocking chair looking ever so relaxed, and when Enos gives the money to Joe, Joe points it over towards Hoss. Adam in turn, snatches the money from Hoss. Their expressions in this scene (especially Joe's while he's rocking away) are priceless." Sherri

"This is one of my all time favorites. It's almost Pavlovian...whenever I hear the word security...I smirk. The frustration in Adam's tone is steady throughout the episode...from Hoss losing the horse, to Joe going to the Milfords, to calling Joe a Shylock...to realizing Joe is racing against them and then the fait accompli...Hoss betting against him!" Lillian

"One of the best scenes, for me, is when Adam is trying to explain to Pa why they have bought the horse. He is so funny, as he stumbles over his words and hopes to gain Pa's approval." Lynne

"I especially liked the scene in the barn when Adam and Hoss finally get the horse home and they are bickering about who will stay out in the barn and tend the horse and who will be the first in to the house to see Pa when Pa saunters into the barn, freaking them both out. It was really the first time for me that I saw my beloved Adam actually appear to be "frightened" of his Pa! I also liked the scene in the Milfords house when Adam and Hoss come to collect their little brother's earnings. They are all so cute and boyish!!! Especially LJ with his cackle. The ending is funny, too as Adam loses everything and is ready to "pound" his little brother, Hoss!! He starts taking off his hat, then his gunbelt, then his jacket, rolls up his sleeves but unfortunately, he stops there and Hoss turns and runs!!!!" Gail

"Yes, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Adam fan, but I think one of the best moments in the show is when Enos tells Joe to come over to see what he has hidden in the woodbox (the racing saddle), and Joe walks over with a cookie hanging out of his mouth. That boy is so adorable!" Becky

"I love this episode. The one time Adam does something foolhardy, oh boy, does he get his comeuppance. I love the way he thinks he's only been defeated by Joe, which is bad enough. When he realizes that Hoss won too by betting against him, that is when he loses his cool. And Joe gets to do the Adam thing of standing with Pa and watching with smug amusement as his two hapless brothers act up. I may be an Adam fan, but no one is right ALL the time." Marjie

"I love when Joe says...My pa didn't put me up to this. I put me up to this." Deb

"I also think one of the best scenes of the show when Adam is talking to PA in the barn…real good Adam and Pa moment." Brenda

"This is my favorite comedy episode. I love the Milfords and wish they were in at least one more episode. I especially like it when Mr. Milford tells Mrs. Milford to "go and burn some more pies". And it was so sweet when Mrs. Milford let Mr. Milford keep the horse because he always wanted a thoroughbred. But back to our boys. So much to choose from, but I think one of my favorite scenes is in the barn before the race when Adam and Hoss confront LJ about who is going to ride Mr. Milford's horse." Ginny

"Starting with the poker game and Hoss' 'poker face' when he has to explain the loss of the horse to Adam. Little Joe (WITH his feet on the settee) saying "ME have any money-Heck No!" It keeps me laughing all the way to the end when Adam is going to beat the heck out of his "little" brother -- and judging by the look on his and Hoss' faces, I'll bet he just did!" Judy

"I love Ben's comment to Joe in this scene, after Adam has rather roughly snatched away his new rifle. Joe declares that after seeing that new rifle of Adam's, he's going to develop some new money-saving habits, and Ben responds with a look of rebuke at his eldest, "I'm glad you're picking up some of your older brother's better habits." Puchi Ann

I have to admit that this is the one episode where I find Adam (okay, everyone… deep breaths, have some smelling salts handy in case the shock is too much for you...) absolutely adorable. He just kills me in this. He squirms, begs, cajoles and acts as innocent as Joe ever has in the scene where he and Hoss are trying to get registration and betting money out of Pa. The chummy arm around the shoulder, the 'hmm, how much DID we pay...?', and most especially that guilty little boy smile when he says "We bought a horse!" Back to the wonderful Joseph. I simply adore the way he backs Mr. Milford into paying him more for those horses, "My Pa did not put me up to this! I put me up to this!" Helen

"I also love the scene where they draw the matchsticks, each one snatching it and hiding it like some coveted prize. Joe especially has some great facial expressions then. Oh! And Adam completely dismissing the possibility that Joe could with two against one! See what happens when Adam forgets to be logical? =)" Crys

"Love that part, and then after Little Joe blows in his little whistle he whittled. "Toot!" "His boyish charm is so cute!" honeybear :"O)~

"Loved when she said "My how you have grown up, Little Joe!" and keeps feeding him... another one of those great one time characters. The Milfords are much like old Charlie and his wife in "Old Charlie". She feeds Hoss pie but you know she would have made cookies for Little Joe.... with Mrs. Milfords recipe." Robin