EPISODE: Dark Star
Reviewed by Robin
Episode #31, Season 1, Aired: April 23, 1960
Guest Stars: Hugo Haas, Susan Harrison
Written by: Anthony Lawrence
Directed by: Lewis Allen
SUMMARY:
Moon/sun rise/set over the Ponderosa. A wolf howls (stock shot of the same wolf from My Brother's Keeper). Joe and Hoss are wolf hunting on horseback. The brothers split up and Joe rides up the hill. The Wolf says "Oh Dang! It is Joe Cartwright a gunning for me!" and tears off into the hills. Joe pull out his rifle and finds, to his handsome cowboy delight, a gypsy girl in orange sprawled on the rocks like the Ponderosa Playmate of the Year 1860. She sees him seeing her and runs off. Joe gives chase and she falls -- wompa wompa woompa -- her skirt all aflutter and rolls down the hill. Joe, ever a gentleman, kneels next to the unconscious girl and runs his hands over, up and down the girl checking for injury. He is so concerned that he does it many, many times. Hoss says, "Is she an Indian?" Joe, the ever-worldly judge of exotic females, says "No, she is a gypsy and I almost shot her." (Doncha think a guy could tell a wolf from a gal but NOOOooooo!)
Next scene, Joe is pacing in the living room. There wasn't even a settee for him to set on yet. Ben and Hoss are reading, Ben is reading the newspaper, Hoss, a small magazine looking like TV Guide. (Guess he was checking what was on the next week's Bonanza episode). The doctor who is not really Doc Martin says she will be ok and makes some politically incorrect remarks about gypsies and warns them of gypsies being worse than Indians. Ben says some noble Ben-like stuff about being nice and Adam staying in town over night (I guess Lotta Crabtree is in for a visit). Joe goes and checks on her; he tucks her in gently with a fluffy pink sateen duvet and she bites his right hand. Outside the room, he is nursing his left. Hoss says a gypsy bite could be worse than a polecat. So much for dispelling racism.
Later up in Joe's room. Joe looks out the window and there is the gypsy girl eyeing the moon. Being a good and lusty host and lusting for her hot gypsy femininity, he goes out to look at the stars with her. She quotes some beatnik like gypsy poetry and teases him to kiss her. Joe declares he feels responsible for her and she sneers he is just a boy and not grown up; she is old and will turn him into a toad. What a gal!
It must be love. Joe is in love. oh baby!
The next day, she acts obnoxious to Ben's kind hospitality. She is weird and mysterious and won't reveal where the rest of the gypsies are so he can bring her back. She spews more gypsy poetry, this time more like Dr. Seuss than beatniks. And then in a twirling tantrum, she flings the dishes off the table, runs out, fluorescent orange skirts flying, screaming and shrieking. She scares the chickens and horses and takes off screaming like the noon whistle in a mine cave in. Joe is even more in love as he chases her and rolls on the ground with her. She confesses that she is a witch and it is the dark star driving her. Joe can't resist.
The gypsies arrive and make camp. Ben hopes they are going to cart off his delightful houseguest. She says they aren't and Ben confesses "I find women are harder to understand than men and more sensitive." Good observation, Ben. Oprah would be inspired by that, as would Dr. Phil.
Ben and Hoss go to visit the gypsies. (Adam is still in town. He is no fool.) Zurka, the head of the gypsies, says they are not there for the gypsy girl and proceeds to attempt to get Ben to stay and have a party with them. Ben keeps pressing them to take back the girl. Zurka tells Ben they think she is bewitched and that is why they abandoned her. Ben is aghast and says there are laws. Zurka laughs a jolly gypsy laugh and says, "We don't follow laws." Then Zurka tries to cheat Ben on some lame old horses with wooden teeth and cripple feet but neither Hoss nor Ben will bite. So much for perpetuating stereotypes.
Loitering around is the evil gypsy, Spiro. We know he is evil because the music tells us so. Zurka invites Ben back for a celebration of All Hallows Eve (also known as Halloween, folks). "Bring a pig!" he tells
Ben but Ben firmly and politely declines, claiming the Cartwrights are saving the pig for another celebration.
Meanwhile back on the ranch, Joe and the girl are communing by the fake water pond from "The Storm". Don't they ever have to work? She tells him that her name is Tirza and she was born under a dark star and that
is why she is a witch. She would imagine being a fish as a girl; Joe confesses he wanted to be a grizzly. So much for sharing backgrounds. They share wild artichokes that Tirza digs from a gopher hole. Yummy. A dirty tasty treat.
Who should ride up next? It is the possessive voyeuristic, evil boy friend, Spiro, on a white gypsy horse accompanied by bad guy gypsy music. Joe is hospitable and friendly but the bad gypsy is rude to him
and calls him nasty gypsy names. Spiros offers to get Tirza back in the gypsies' good graces in exchange for her affections. She says "NO!" and claws his vile face. He and Joe fight. Joe tosses him in the fake water, which usually cools down any other guy Joe fights with, but not this mean gypsy. Spiro pulls a HUGE knife. Joe draws on him and Spiro threatens threateningly, "Look at my face; it will be the last one you see." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Over dinner, while the Cartwrights eat yellow jello (or maybe canned peaches), they fill Adam in on the gypsy news update. The pig is stolen. Ben, Hoss and Joe go to the Gypsy camp to get restitution. Adam, realizing this is the stupidest episode he ever saw, says "No thanks, I will stay in case the gypsies back up a wagon to the front door and steal the furniture." Perhaps he had been reading Hoss' TV Guide and finds there is a good rerun of Trapper John MD on that night or the Dallas Cowboys are playing football. The Cartwrights are easily drawn into the gypsy festivities. Roast pig, violins, un- born calves' blood and milk punch, and, best of all, exotic scamming gypsies. Ben only eats a symbolic baguette and a mammoth symbolic carrot. Guess he was filled up from dinner but Hoss is gobbling up everything. Joe is devouring Tirza with his eyes (or nauseous or both).
The party highlight is dancing Tirza. She does the hoochy mama coochy tarantella with less rhythm and grace than a NYC sanitation truck hitting a pot hole in a black out. However, Joe is mesmerized or nauseous or both from the refreshments. Spiro seethes jealously in the corner as Joe gnaws nervously on his fingers, imagining he is gnawing on Tirza. She whirls and twirls and swirls as the accordions and violins rise to a crescendo. BADa Bing bada boom, lightning and thunder: Tirza and Joe run off into the night hand and hand.
Spiro takes a rifle from the back of the wagon. Nasty jealous voyeur that he is, Spiro takes off after Joe and his gypsy honey babe dancing gal.
Ben tries to reason with Zurka that Tirza is neither a witch or wolf or a devil (or much of a dancer either) He even quotes Shakespeare. Zurka likes the quote but insists Ben should watch out for his son with Tirza. (Good advise, Pa!) "The danger is in the flesh and not the fantasy!" Ben retorts. "And my son can take pretty good care of himself in that area Zurka!" OH BAY bee!!! Flesh!
Meanwhile, Joe and Tirza are one the rocky pillar of love and thunder is crashing. Joe is zooming in for the smoochie oochie. She is blathering and Joe is luring her closer. closer. closer. "Why did you dance like that?" he asks. Joe knows to make distracting meaningless chitchat during a seduction. "To scare them!" Tirza proclaims. Yech! Don't try out for American Bandstand or the Radio City Rockets, Tirza.
Joe grabs her face in a very Joe-like move, strokes her neck with his thumb. and holds her head for the good camera angle. BAM! He plants a good hot kiss on her and even checks her tonsils with his tongue and gives her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as well as the Heimlich maneuver. He is in love and knows first aid. No wonder we all love Joe!
Spiro is about to shoot from the shadows, but a wolf howls and he gets a better idea. He chokes a chicken.
Next scene is Tirza, fully clothed in the same orange dress, awakening in her bed surrounded by blood and chicken feathers with the wolf howling in the distance. Accompanied by violin trills and crescendos, she dashes back to Camp Gypsy Exorcism and begs for help, even if it kills her.
Joe, lying fully clothed in his bed, hears the door blowing in the wind (the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. the answer is blowing in the wind) and he goes down to close it. The dining room and vestibule filled with fluttering chicken feathers and Tirza missing. Joe Cartwright Detective examines the clues and realizes either Hoss dreamed he was eating a marshmallow and ate his pillow or something is amiss. He rushes off to the rescue.
WOWOOWOooo the wolf howls.
Joe finds the gypsy camp empty. Spiro, with a whip, pops out from the shadows and informs Joe that Tirza is in the mountains and about to be staked to the ground and picked to pieces by the gypsies. Then Spiros says the best line of the episode, of the season; perhaps of the series: "I could have killed you both on your moonlit rock of love. But it would have been too easy!"
Then there is super fight between Joe and Spiro -- gypsy whip versus hunky cowboy fists. They pound at each other and toss gypsy furniture and baskets and dirt and fists at each other. Spiro pulls a knife. Joe, honorably and bravely defending himself, stabs Spiro with his own nasty gypsy knife. Akkkkkk. Spiro is dead. GO JOE!!! Bloody and beaten, Joe rides off to save Tirza.
It takes two burly men to restrain him. Tirza want to be un-witched. Joe pleads, "No don't!" The gypsies, sounding like a Gregorian chant or a growling stomach, shake tambourines as Spiro's granny tosses potions and lotions at tied down Tirza. She yanks out all sorts of talismans and sharp implements. Granny even has a horseshoe in her bloomers and a flask of boiling aqua blue liquid. (Windex?) Joe manfully tries to break free but the burly gypsy men hold him back. They heat up the horseshoe and wonka wonka say lots of mysterious evil creepy gypsy stuff and incantations. The boiling flagon bursts and Tirza is freed and Joe runs to her side. his shirt torn to shreds.
Next scene, back in the Ponderosa, Joe is in a clean shirt and bandaged hand; Tirza, fully dressed in the same orange gypsy dress, sleeps in the guest room. (The Brady Bunch had kitchen counters in that same orange color.) Ben is calmly drinking coffee when Joe tells him he wants to marry Tirza. Ben is joyful and congratulates his son. (WHAT! Is he CRAZY???) Ben says "I would be proud to have her in the family. She is a fine young woman!" Love don't cure crazy, Joe; what is wrong with you!!!
A knock on the door and it is Zurka. Ben greets him like his best pal. Zurka says, "We are going!" Joe says no, "I am marrying Tirza!" Zurka tells Joe, "In our people, when a girl marries, the man goes with her people so you have to become a gypsy. "OH MY Joe, don't go leaving cowboy life for being a gypsy hubby! Tirza comes out and says, "No! I cannot stay here. I will go with my people and Joe is like a tree." Joe is upset (for a minute). Maybe that was why Ben didn't argue with Joe. He knew it would never happen and, besides, he had Adam with a sniper rifle on the roof just in case.
Joe and Tirza say their good byes: "We will always have the moonlit rock of love, baby." Zurka tells Ben the gypsies realized too late that it was Spiros doing all the bad stuff and Tirza is a fine girl. Ben stands next to sad Joe as the gypsies ride off.
REVIEWS:
“It always bugged me that Ben was so happy for Joe and his wedding plans. Now I know why, and I know where Adam was during this time as well.” Sheryl
“Ben was under some sort of curse or spell cast by Tirza the witch--that's the only thing that would make him say she is a fine young woman and he'd be proud to have her as a daughter-in-law. I guess she needed a back-up plan in case her people didn't come back for her, huh? If they didn't show up to get her, she could marry a handsome (translated--drop dead gorgeous!) young man (and she already knew he was a good kisser) plus it didn't hurt that he was wealthy, I'm sure!” Leesa
“I agree with you, Robin, it must have been Ben practicing reverse psychology, or that Tirza had put him under a spell LOL LJ was about 12 in this ep and he's talking about marrying a loony and Pa says 'fine, she'll make a great daughter-in-law” Lynne (Little Joe forever)
“Now I love my boy, but I kept thinking that Hop Sing mixed in too many of the wrong kind of poppy seeds in the breakfast bagels during the time of Tizra's little visit. Other than a little fun on that "moonlit rock of love", (or a LOT of fun after he saved her from the others) I have NO idea of why he thought she was the 'stay-at-home-rancher's wife type. My poppy seed theory also explains why the rest of the family was so calm about it too.” Judy
“One of the lines I like in this show is when Joe asks Tirza if she is gonna bite him again. When ever I go to the LJO library and hear that line I bust out laughing. Joe was so cute trying to figure out Tirza. We also see why Joe was given so many shows to fall in love. He plays the part so deliciously and so many women wanted to be that gal he kissed. He looked like a master and would have been a good teacher to the throngs of willing females. It also showed what a great father Ben was, not jumping all over Joe for his feelings for Tirza, instead being kind and understanding. Ahhh, that everyone had a Pa like that. I'm sure he knew it would never be, but kept it to himself.” Deb
“My favorite part of this episode is that "moonlit rock of love" scene. When Joe and the girl start going at it hot and heavy, I always drift off into a fantasy that it's me with Joe on that rock. Ahhhh! I try to enjoy the scene where Joe fights Spiro, but it's so obvious that a stuntman is replacing Joe in that scene that it is hard to root Joe on! But we do get to see Joe valiantly trying to save Tirza (why exactly he is doing that is beyond me) and finally rescuing her despite the pain of the whip marks (made very clear by Joe's torn shirt). Oh, sweet, brave Joe! Take me to that moonlit rock of love!!.... This is one of those "adult" episodes Bonanza ran during its first year. It's a little odd (to say the least), but the hot romance makes up for it. Did I mention that I want Joe on the moonlit rock of love with me?” Susan Grote
“I do hate the fight scene in this. We get the odd glimpse of ML writhing on the ground and then the Incredible Hulk dressed in Joe's clothes seems to take over and battles with Spiro. I wasn't very keen on Tirza's lip gloss either.” Pat
“This show, for me, was probably one of the goofiest LJ love stories ever. That first scene where Joe meets Tirza and she tumbles down the hill. Oh please!!!! What was that about? I laugh every time I see her rolling down that hill! Cracked me up with your references to Adam, knowing better and references to the TV guide. PR must have read this script and called in sick. I give the kiss on the "rock of love" a 6; could have been a 10 if Tirza hadn't been working so hard to preach to Joe with her weird symbolic gypsy stuff. Enough comments, gotta go and watch "tumbelina" again!” Nancy
“You can almost see the hint of a smirk on Joe's face when they are on the "moonlit rock" and Tirza asks Joe if he thinks she is beautiful. I think Anthony Lawrence (this episode's writer) must have had a bad cold while writing it because dialogue this bad could only come from someone who has ingested too much Nyquil.” Debbiejo (who has watched and re-watched the moonlit rock of love scene more times than I care to admit.)
“Is it just me or did the words to the chorus of the Gypsy chant seem to be "Oleo, Olee-oh, Olee-ohh? Also, it appeared that the set decorators went a little overboard in the apricot silk/satin boudoir look in the Ponderosa guest room. This could explain why the prop department had no budget to spend on the big "silver" bowl that Spiro insisted Ben take as payment for the pig. Something that size in silver should have weighed a ton, but Ben, etc . handled it as if it were paper mache.” Ginger
“I hate that episode, always have, always will! However, if it had been anything like you described it, I'd watch it every night--ha-ha! You aren't by any chance a long-lost daughter of Mel Brooks are you?” Eileen "Fluffy"