EPISODE: The Burma Rarity

Reviewed by Lynne Coulson

Season 3, Episode 71, First aired: October 22 1961

Guest stars: Beatrice Kay, Wally Brown

SUMMARY:

We open with Hoss racing his horse along the road, in order to get home in time for breakfast. It appears that he has been to town and back to collect the mail, before having had anything to eat. (I can't imagine Hoss ever doing that, but I suppose he might have stayed in town overnight and preferred to come home to a breakfast cooked by Hop Sing, rather than eat what was on offer at the hotel).

He brings a letter for Ben, from an old friend (how many people does Ben know?) a Judge Dean Benton Sylvester, from Houston, Texas. In the letter the judge asks Ben to act as a sponsor and introduce around town, two of his old friends, who are arriving on the 3rd of the month. They are called Phil Axe and Henry Morgan and they are planning to do some investing in land. The judge goes on to say they are honest as the day is long and he will count it as a great favor if Ben will do this for him.

Ben realizes that it is the third of the month and so says he must get to town and find them a place to stay. Joe suggests that they stay at Widow Hawkins' house, but Ben looks rather put out by this idea. Hoss agrees with Joe, saying that she's the best danged cook in the territory. This remark upsets Hop Sing, who tries to remove Hoss' plate from him, until Hoss hurriedly makes amends. Adam joins in the teasing, saying that the widow is the only person who changes her guests' towels once a week. The boys are all still sat at the table, behind Ben, and so he can't see them all smiling, as they speak.

Ben does not want to take them to the widow's boarding house, but reluctantly admits that she does have the best place in town. He asks Adam to go with him and Hoss asks if he needs protection. Joe says Pa doesn't need protection, as he spent the whole day with her at the June picnic the year before. Ben replies that he did that, as he happened to pick her name out of a goldfish bowl, which contained the names of fifty women, and Hoss comments that he thought Pa had arranged that, making Joe laugh.

Ben gets angry and says he doesn't have to put up with such remarks from his own family, even if he does from the folks in town. Hoss and Joe apologize and then Ben asks Adam, again, to go with him. Adam stands up, places a hand on Ben's shoulder and says he's with Pa every step of the way, right down the aisle, causing Hoss and Joe to roar with laughter.

Opening credits and music

We are now in town and Adam and Ben dismount in front of the Widow Hawkins' boarding house and head up the path to her front door. The widow is aware they are coming and tidies her hair, before opening the door. She is delighted to see them and calls out Ben's name, addressing him as Benjamin. He grabs hold of Adam's arm and introduces him, but the widow says she knows all Ben's sons, especially the big one who looks like a peeled, grizzly bear. Ben says that is Hoss and then she says that Ben has another son, Tiny Tim, and Adam corrects her, saying 'that's Little Joe'. She admits to being frightfully bad with names. She asks them in. Ben says they haven't time, but she grabs his arm and yanks him inside and Adam feels compelled to follow them.

She goes off to make the tea and Adam looks around at the room, which is covered in circus memorabilia. Adam remarks that there is only one thing missing, a trapeze bar hanging from the ceiling. Mrs. Hawkins is delighted to learn that Ben's friends are going to be paying guests. She says it means that Ben will be able to visit and talks about how lonely she is since her Harry, a circus strongman, died. There is a poster in the room of Harry, lifting up a 500-pound weight, which is on a table beneath the poster.

Ben quickly swallows his tea and says they have to leave (in a very funny scene, Ben grabs Adam by the wrist and practically drags him out of the house). They get to the horses and she calls out to Ben 'Goodbye, ducky'.

Ben says he will go and tell Mr. Jefferson that Mr. Axe and Mr. Morgan are coming to town and Adam says 'All right, ducky'. When Ben quizzes him about what he said, Adam covers his tracks by saying they mustn't be late home, as Hop Sing is serving stuffed duck for dinner. Ben isn't convinced and tells Adam to water the horses, leaving Adam laughing down his nose, like he does sometimes.

Ben runs across Smiling Sam Pearson nailing up a poster as part of his campaign to be re-elected as mayor. The man gives Ben a knowing look when Ben tells him he has been visiting Clementine Hawkins, but Ben assures Sam that it was strictly business and that he was arranging lodgings for two land buyers. Ben then goes to see Harry Jefferson, the bank manager, to tell him that Axe and Morgan are coming into town.

Afterwards, we see Jefferson and Sam checking out a map and talking about trying to sell off 750 acres of river bottom land that they can purchase for 50 cents an acre, and then sell to Axe and Morgan, for around $15 an acre.

Ben meets Axe and Morgan and introduces them to Clementine. He sees them settled in. Sam Pearson and Harry Jefferson call for them, wanting to look at the land, and the widow goes with them. Ben is happy to leave, relieved to get away from the widow's clutches.

Sam and Harry take them out to a meadow and start waxing lyrical about the beautiful land, which they have named Sunny Acres. Axe and Morgan are keen to buy and agree to pay $20 an acre, in cash, as soon as they sell their nest egg, an emerald, known as the Burma Rarity. They say it's worth $50,000, but they will sell it for $25,000, as they are anxious to get on with the land development. Harry says his bank will buy it, but it might take a few days to get approval. Clementine decides that she wants to buy it. She says she has $15,000 in cash and will ask the bank for a mortgage on her house and land for the other $10,000. Harry agrees and then Clementine says she must get the emerald appraised.

They return to her house and an appraiser calls round. He says it is worth $50,000 and so Clementine is delighted that she is making $25,000 profit, and says it's all down to dear Benjamin. Axe and Morgan also give her a replica of the jewel to put on display and advise her to put the real one in a safe. Clementine holds the real one and the replica, one in each hand. She then sneezes and places one jewel back under the glass display dome and the other on the table. As Mr. Axe takes the cash from her, the jewel on the table is knocked to the floor. Both Axe and Morgan go after it, they retrieve it and take their money. Harry and Sam expect Axe and Morgan to pay them the $15,000 for the land, but Mr. Morgan asks them to return at 7 o'clock the following morning with the deeds to the property.

Mr. Axe and Mr. Morgan go up to their room and Mr. Morgan removes an emerald from his sleeve. He says it is the 5th time that year that they have sold the emerald and Mr. Axe says that their profit is $125,000. (In case you haven't realized it yet, they are working a scam. They offer a real emerald, but at the last minute switch it for a fake and so make $25,000 profit each time they do it.) They discuss their next victim, a rancher friend of Ben's in Oregon, and Mr. Morgan asks Mr. Axe to remind him to order some more imitation emeralds.

The next morning, Harry and Sam arrive at the Widow's house with the deeds to Sunny Acres. Clementine informs them that Axe and Morgan have gone away, but will be back in a week to conclude their business. In the meantime, they want Harry and Sam to mark out the 750 acres into half acre plots on which to build houses. Clementine says that Axe and Morgan also borrowed Harry and Sam's wagon and horses. The men agree to stake out the plots and leave.

We then see Hoss riding by Sunny Acres and he stops to watch Harry and Sam distributing some lumber (seems odd that a mayor and a bank manager would actually be doing the work themselves, but there you go). Hoss goes home and tells Pa (who is working on those darn accounts again) what he's seen and Ben tells him that Axe and Morgan are buying 750 acres from Harry and Sam and are dividing them up into building lots. Hoss asks "For who, fish?" as the land is under six feet water in the spring. Ben says they need to go and warn Axe and Morgan that they are being duped and they ride off to the Widow's house.

Ben asks Clementine to pass on a message to Mr. Axe and Mr. Morgan, when they return from Reno, telling them not to conclude any transactions with Harry and Sam until they've spoken to him. He then tries to leave, but Clementine insists on them having tea with her and bustles off to make it. Hoss eyes up the 500-pound weight and manages to lift it, but when he returns it to the table, it falls right through and lands on the floor. Clementine comes back, with the tea and a tiny piece of cake, for Hoss, saying that she doesn't understand the Chinese way of cooking and that Hoss probably has never tasted anything like her cake. He eats it in one mouthful, with a look on his face that says he never wants to taste anything like it again. Ben apologizes about the table and offers to buy a new one and Clementine dismisses it, saying it's the third one that has been broken that month.

Ben then catches sight of the emerald in the glass display case and shows an interest in it. Clementine explains how she came to own it and how it is worth twice what she paid for it. Ben seems rather agitated over what she tells him and leaves in a rush. Clementine waves them off, telling Ben 'to come again, ducky'. This remark surprises Hoss, but Ben brushes it aside and says he has to send a telegram to Judge Sylvester.

Back at the ranch, he reads the reply to his telegram, to the boys, and they discover that Axe and Morgan conned the judge out of $25,000 by switching the real emerald for a fake one. Ben feels responsible for the widow losing her money and decides that he must try and help Clementine recover her loss.

Hoss, Joe and Ben head off to town to save the day, but when they get to the widow's house, the appraiser is already there about to assess the gem. Ben goes inside, hoping to prevent him from getting a look at it and Hoss and Joe wait outside. When they see that Pa is not going to succeed, Joe shoots out the lamp and Hoss leaps through the window to grab what they believe is the fake emerald, as they don't want the widow finding out about it. Ben makes a rather pathetic attempt to shoot the 'robbers', but the boys get away.

The appraiser finds Hoss' hat, and thinks it's a clue to the identity of one of the robbers, but Ben says it is his. The appraiser leaves, saying that from what little he saw of the gem, it was definitely worth what Clementine paid for it. Ben realizes that his boys have just stolen the real one. Clementine puts Hoss' hat on Ben's head and then makes him stay to give her a full explanation.

Afterwards, Ben returns home, with Hoss' hat, really angry with the boys. (Rather unfairly, I think, as they were only trying to help). Ben explains to Adam that Clementine doesn't believe in turning in her own relatives and that if Ben agrees to marry her, she will not press charges against the boys. He then tells Adam, who is really enjoying the whole situation, that she is planning to come over to the Ponderosa the next day to rearrange the furniture. 'Coo' is Adam's response to this news (a favorite expression of Clementine). Ben tells Adam to stay at the ranch and says he is going to find 'those brothers of yours'. (They are never his sons when they are in trouble). Adam asks if Pa thinks 'the barbells, or 'Arry's tights would look better over the fireplace', doing an imitation of Clementine's accent. As I say, he's really enjoying watching Ben squirm.

We then see Hoss and Joe riding towards Reno (a good bit of continuity, as Hoss is minus his hat). They camp out for the night and first Joe and then Hoss, are woken by a little dog, licking their faces. (We get to hear LJ's lovely giggle) Hoss is annoyed and throws the emerald, which has been digging in his back all night, for the dog to fetch. He tries to go back to sleep, but Joe says they must continue their search for Axe and Morgan. The dog retrieves the emerald and Hoss complains that they have no food (didn't they learn from Bank Run not to go out on the trail with no food?) They smell stew cooking and find an Indian, outside a way station, selling trinkets. Joe talks in pidgin English to him, trying to get him to take the emerald in exchange for some food, and then Hoss tries sign language. Eventually, the Indian speaks and he can talk in better English than they can. He agrees to take the gem and the boys have a meal. The Indian says he will try and sell the gem to a gullible traveler.

Meanwhile, in a hotel room in Reno, Axe and Morgan realize that they do not have the real emerald and are just about to return to Virginia City, when Hoss and Joe arrive. The boys insist that the crooks hand over the real emerald and so Axe give them another one of the fakes. The boys think it's the real one and leave, after telling Axe and Morgan that they traded the other one with an Indian called Chief Crazy Fox. Axe and Morgan prepare to go and talk to the chief.

Ben passes through the way station, and discovers that the conmen and Hoss and Joe have gone by. He heads off for Reno, just as a stage pulls in. A young woman alights and looks at what the Indian has to sell. She likes the emerald, but asks him to wager it on the shell game (three walnut shells and a dried pea - you have to guess which shell is covering the pea). He agrees and she ends up winning the emerald off him.

Ben catches up with his boys (Hoss is still minus his hat) and tells them that they now have a fake in their possession; the real one was the one they stole from Clementine. Both boys look rather sick at the news. Hoss explains that they traded the other one for grub and Joe thinks it prudent to hightail after the Indian and get it back, as Ben is looking very angry.

They all ride to the way station, but Axe and Morgan get there first. They have to pay the Indian $10 to discover that the girl, who now has the emerald, is on her way to Virginia City. Then the three Cartwrights ride in and it costs them $10 to get the same information, plus a description of the girl. (That is one canny Indian)

Harry and Sam are at Sunny Acres and see Axe and Morgan drive past. They follow them into town.

Ben and the boys split up and he finds the girl in a saloon, doing the shell game. He notices that she has the emerald around her neck (why would she? It's the size of a tennis ball and very ugly - she'd end up with a stoop, wearing that thing). He manages to beat her at her own game, and wins the emerald. As he leaves the saloon, Axe and Morgan confront him and demand its return. Ben, with the emerald in his fist, swings into action and floors Mr. Morgan, then tackles Mr. Axe. Ben drops the gem and Mr. Morgan grabs it. Then Hoss arrives and tries to help Pa, but Ben ends up punching Hoss, by mistake. Joe then runs up and says to Hoss 'You helping Pa?' to which Hoss replies 'Nope' as he rubs his jaw. However, Pa doesn't need any help; he wipes the floor with the conmen and gets the emerald back.

They all go over to Clementine's house and the appraiser picks out the real emerald. Roy has Axe and Morgan in custody and they ask Clementine how she managed to fool them. She tells them that she knew they were up to no good, so when she sneezed, she switched the gems. She says she was billed as a female prestidigitator when she was in the theater (I assume that was an illusionist?), so knew how to make a switch.

Just then, Harry and Sam arrive, hoping to complete their land deal. They are met with the news that Axe and Morgan are about to serve lengthy prison sentences and so the deal is off. All their work in preparing Sunny Acres has been in vain (serves them right; they were crooks, too). They all go, leaving Ben, Hoss and Joe with Clementine. She hopes that she and Ben can still be together, but he says that their deal was if he got the real emerald back, then there would be no marriage. (Thank goodness; she was old enough to be his mother). He gives her the emerald and a hug and all ends well.

REVIEWS:

“I like this episode, from the opening scene, when the boys rag Ben about the widow, to the end, when all is resolved. It is quite light-hearted and nonsensical, and is one I often watch when in need of a laugh.” Lynne

“The Burma Rarity" comes as close to farce as it gets on Bonanza, with the switched jewels, Pa fending off the widow, and so many people trying to swindle each other that it's hard to tell who the good guys are. I always thought it was a shame that Pernell Roberts didn't do more comedy, because he was very good at it, as this episode shows. His wry comments really make this episode even funnier. I can't help but laugh when he calls Pa "ducky". My favorite shot, though, is when Pa claims Hoss' hat is his, and when he puts it on his head, the hat falls down to his ears. Pa is trying to act as if everything is normal while looking ridiculous wearing Hoss' hat. It's hysterically funny!!” Susan Grote

“I adore the scene where Hoss picks up the weight and then smashes the table as he drops it. Pure slapstick comedy, his facial expressions are wonderful! As is Ben's reaction to his 'naughty' son.” Pat

“Love this episode because it features all the boys, not just one or two. When they all work together, the chemistry between the cast and guest stars is churning and it makes for a pretty humorous episode.  Like Susan, I love Ben being thought of as "Ducky"'; Adam has some great lines; all the boys get a hoot out of the widow's romantic interest in Ben. The twists in the plot are great too like, the widow's supposed innocence; Hoss & Joe yet again committing burglary; the traveling of the gem into many different hands.  Just a great show all around!”  Nancy 

“This was a great episode with all the teasing the boys gave Pa. They all did such a good job, making us laugh at all the facial expressions and goings on. One of my faves as well.” Deb

“This is a fun episode with lots of little bits to laugh at. Con artists abound, but I especially enjoy Chief Crazy Fox.  Love it when he plays up the Injun bit for the con artist girl - until she suggests gambling for the gem, at which his whole face lights up and he reverts again to perfect English with his eager response, "Gamble? Poker or dice?"   A side observation - what is with Ben's "do" in this episode? He seems to have an especially curly bouffant in a couple of scenes!” Sue W.