Wizard ran down the middle of C Street, and headed up the road to the school looking for his favorite place to piss. The scruffy little <insert favorite breed>mutt had already done his business on the front door of the Mercantile but decided he still had enough stored to find his favorite target and make another unfavorable impression. Rounding the corner of the Livery Stable, he heard the echo of a single word that was music to his perky <insert color> ears.

"Joseph!"

He quickened his pace, his small <insert color> legs working over time to reach the front of the schoolhouse in time. Wizard skidded to a halt just as he saw Ben Cartwright drag his friend out of the schoolhouse. He listened to the familiar tale and waited for his chance.

"How many times do I have to tell you to control yourself in school?" Ben shouted.

His friend had the grace to look sheepish, yet struggled to maintain his adolescent dignity.

"I can't believe you had the audacity to put a snake in Miss Abigail's desk."

Wizard cocked his head to the side, his <insert color> eyes dancing with pleasure at what the future held for the man he liked to call the silver fox. Sometimes he didn't understand the words the man said, but from the boy's frightened expression the dog could tell that it didn't bode well for his friend. The father now was pointing his finger at the boy and shaking it threateningly. Wizard made a decision. It had to be now; he could feel nature's call deep down in his belly. And it might shift some of the anger from the boy to him. He did try and repay his friend for giving him his lunch every day. It made scavenging in the garbage cans around Virginia City less of a chore and more of an adventure when he knew he had a regular meal five days a week. Wizard ran around the other side of the whitewashed schoolhouse until he was on the opposite side of the pair. When he was within ten feet, he crouched down and crawled along, his belly scraping the blades of grass in the schoolyard. Five feet, four feet, three feet, two feet. He was glad he was a schoolhouse dog and had learned to count long ago. When he was a foot away from the angry man, he took a quick sniff. MMMM-the man had ham for lunch, and did he detect just a hint of-he chanced another sniff-sweet potato pie. The scruffy dog licked his lips in spite of himself, hoping some remnants would find their way into the boy's lunch tomorrow. But now, down to business. He stood slightly behind Ben Cartwright, and as if he were a military man, snapped his leg to attention. A deep sigh of relief escaped his lips as he let loose with a long stream of amber colored liquid directly onto the exposed leg before him. He shifted his body slightly midstream to cover as much of the leg as possible and decorate it in a pattern somehow reminiscent of the impressionist paintings he had seen in a book at the schoolhouse.

The bellowed words "God damn mutt" were music to his ears as he finished his job and scampered away to the grove of trees beyond the schoolyard. The man was shaking his leg and yelling, droplets still hanging off his boot. The man shook his large fist at him. Good, Wizard thought to himself. The attention was diverted from his friend. Mission accomplished and he had enjoyed himself in the process. Life was good when you were a dog.

Wizard sat underneath the front window of the schoolhouse, and listened to Miss Abigail read "The Wizard of Oz." It was one of the children's favorites and he had heard it many times, although he usually fell asleep halfway through. He curled his <select size> body into a ball and chewed on an old bone that he had found laying around. There wasn't any meat left on it, but what else did he have to do.

"Joseph! Are you listening!" Miss Abigail shouted.

"Yes ma'am." Was the reply. From Wizard's best guess the boy sat at the back of the room.

As he chewed on the bone, Wizard thought to himself. "Ruff ruff"- Whoops-Translation They called the boy many names, so he wasn't sure what to call him. Joseph, rapscallion, scamp, troublemaker, he wasn't sure what were good names and what were bad, so he just called him his friend.

Wizard's <insert size> ears perked up as the teacher reached his favorite part of the story.

Excerpt from the "Wizard of OZ"

"Someday," Dorothy said to Toto, "Ill fine a place where we can't get into trouble. It's not a place you can get to by boat or train. It's far, far away-behind the moon, beyond the rain, maybe over the rainbow."

Wizard woke up and yawned. He had fallen asleep-again. But he heard the magic words. Lunchtime. He ran to the steps and waited for his friend. A herd of children left the schoolhouse, laughing, talking, and generally making lots of noise. But Wizard only had eyes for one small boy. Wizard waited on the steps, absentmindedly scratching his scraggly <insert color here> fur. He looked up and finally saw his friend come out the door. The boy ran down the steps and over to the table under the tree, Wizard close at his heels. He couldn't control the wag of his tail as the boy opened his sack and pulled out a fat juicy slice of ham. His friend dropped it and Wizard watched as if in slow motion the ham fell to the ground in front of him. The boy added a slice of sweet potato pie directly to the left of the ham. A finer table couldn't have been set at the International House as far as Wizard was concerned.

After Wizard gorged himself on lunch, he struggled to lick the last remnants of sweet potato pie from his whiskers. He crawled into the bed the boy had made for him under the schoolhouse, with straw smuggled from the Ponderosa. Snuggled up in the clean hay, he listened as his full belly made contented gurgling sounds. As he drifted off to sleep, the remnants of his lunch combined with an active imagination spun a strange tale………

Wizard had heard talk of a magical place called The Silver City, where the streets were all paved with the shiny metal, and unheard of luxuries called fire hydrants were on every corner. Beyond his artistic fascination with urine, he didn't have a lot of foresight but he thought those fire hydrant things would have to be pretty special to beat the charm of Ben Cartwright's leg. The object of his obsession was just the perfect size for a leg. Tall strong, usually covered with a light tan trouser that darkened nicely when anointed with his holy water. He looked over at his favorite target walking beside him, saddened that the man's legs were encased in tin. Definitely not a challenge. In fact, he'd probably get splashed. Wizard thought to himself. He looked up on the other side of him and saw the square body of his boy's middle brother, the one they called Hoss. He was after all, a cat. Lions were cats, even cowardly ones. But Wizard knew this brother pulled his friend out of scrapes, and he just couldn't bring himself to relieve himself on him.

"Hey Pa, I don't think we're in Nevada anymore."

Wizard growled and bared his teeth at the oldest brother of his friend, whom he had repeatedly heard say corny things like that. One look at the rolling fields of black flowers to the left of the yellow brick road should have told the imbecile that. He looked up at face of the man; his thinning black hair decorated with tufts of straw, a floppy black hat perched on his head. A rope tied around his middle kept his pants from falling down. Ah, yes the scarecrow- he couldn't do it to this one either. He knew this brother yelled at the boy too, and for that reason alone he could have done it. But the straw coming out of the hem of his black pants made it too difficult. Straw was for sleeping on, not for, you know. Any good dog knew that. Plus, as a canvas black pants left a lot to be desired. It just wasn't artistic enough for his nature. If you couldn't darken the fabric in a creative pattern, you might as well piddle on the grass.

"Pa!" The dog heard his friend wail. "How come I have to be Dorothy? It ain't fair!" LJ said staring at his father who was encased head to toe in tin.

The tin man chuckled "Joseph, you know you've always hated haircuts. Now you finally have your wish."

"Yeah, little brother, and those blue ribbons in your hair sure are cute." The cowardly lion said patting the boy on his head.

The scarecrow tugged on the front of Dorothy's blue and white gingham jumper. "Could have done a little better in the chest department, but the legs aren't too bad." The scarecrow pulled a piece of straw from his sleeve and chewed on it. "Good thing you don't have a lot of hair on those legs yet, or it would make the whole get-up look a little silly."

"Pa!" Joe wailed.

"Don't whine Joseph, it's not ladylike." The tin man answered.

They continued down the yellow brick road, the hot sun beginning to sink over the horizon. Dorothy was having a hard time walking in the ruby slippers, unused to walking in women's shoes, let alone three-inch spike heels. "Can't we rest awhile?" Dorothy pleaded urgently.

The tin man turned to look at his youngest son, and realized they had been walking for hours. "Let's go sit down by that pond over there boys." He said as he pointed to a grove of Japanese Bonsai trees. Dorothy took her shoes off and walked over, the grass a welcome change from the hard bricks of the path. He sat indianstyle on the ground, carefully arranging his dress over his thighs, and rubbed his feet though the white bobby-socks.

The Cowardly Lion sat across from him, absentmindedly stroking his own tail, as he looked at his little brother. "That's not a ladylike position you're sitting in there, darling."

"Don't call me that. At least I'm not a pussy." Dorothy said heatedly.

"Joseph! Such language. I won't have it! Now apologize to your brother." Ben shouted.

Dorothy glared at his father, but produced the required "I'm sorry." When Ben wasn't looking however, Dorothy threw one of the hated ruby slippers at the lion, bonking him on the head and winding up entangled in his mane.

The scarecrow lounged on the ground, chewing on a piece of straw. "Not to change the subject, but do you think we're safe here?"

To answer his question, a chorus of frogs croaked from the nearby pond. "Follow the yellow brick road….Follow the yellow brick road…..etc," punctuated occasionally by a "ribbit, ribbit."

Wizard watched the men lounging near the pond. He had never left the road. He kept hoping around the next bend of the road there would be a likely spot for him to unleash the mighty torrent that he had been holding. If dogs were able to cross their legs and bounce from a full bladder, he'd be doing it.

Wizard rolled on his back and burrowed deeper in the sweet smelling straw. The semi-completed state of digestion combined sweet potato pie, ham and a healthy helping of stomach acid. The mixture did the impossible-it merged "The Wizard of Oz" with "A Christmas Carol."

The four cast-members found themselves in an English Victorian rooming house, the walls and floors dripping with cobwebs. Curtains of mist parted to reveal a figure entirely clothed in black, a cape with a hood covering the head and face. The shadowed one spoke briefly in a strange accent.

"I am the Ghost of future bimbos- (Joe Cartwright Seasons 1-4)!!!!!"

They followed the shadowed figure down the dimly lit hallway. The figure turned to them as said. "You will see how I became the pathetic excuse for a woman I am."

Mounted on the wall in the hallway, were rows of portraits. On each painting was a woman, an engraved plaque beneath extolling her contribution to the shrouded figure before them.

Laura- Episode "The Storm"

Contribution Awe-uninspiring wooden personality and dull pathetic expression.

Ada Isaccs Menkin-Episode "The Maginifcent Adah"

Contribution: Appalling lack of fashion sense, and stupidity-actually had Little Joe in her arms and threw him on the floor.

Eloise-Episode: "The Frenchman"

Contribution: Grating French accent and bigger teeth than Cochise.

Morvath-Episode: "The War Comes to Washoe"

Contribution: Stupidity-Actually was dumb enough to leave with her father when she could have stayed and became Mrs. Joe Cartwright.

Laurel-Episode "The Spitfire"

Contribution: Cleanliness, manners, and originality Who could ever forget the poetic line... "" Gramma Hoag will throw you all to the hawgs"

Sylvie Ann-Episode "The Tin Badge"

Contribution: Straw blond "not a color found in nature" hair, this refugee from Cosmetology School rode Cochise when she could have rode "you-know"

Tirzah-Episode "The Dark Star"

Contribution: Stupidity-Dug up wild artichokes and ate them when the man-child was there (to eat).

Delores-Episode "Ponderosa Matador"

Contribution: Stupidity-Saw the man-child with his shirt off and didn't throw him down on the ground and make love to him.

Michelle-Episode "The Dowry"

Contribution: Stupidity-Kissed the man-child an still wanted the Spanish dude.

Lotta Crabtree-Episode "A Rose for Lotta"

Contribution: Pathetic excuse for provocative dance.

The creature finally broke the deafening silence as she threw off the cape. I am destined to wear tacky dresses for all eternity, and drag a chain, each link forged with the combined stupidity of all the Bonanza bimbos. I am cursed to moan and howl for all eternity. (HOWL, repeat…) "How could I have passed up sex with Joe…." (MOAN, repeat…)

All four men cringed at the wailing. Ben finally dropped to his knees on the floor and turned his eyes heavenward to the god of Bonanza. "Mr. Dortort, why couldn't we have paid a few dollars more and got real actresses?" he pleaded desperately.

Wizard barked at the creature, while the rest of the cast of characters cowered in fear. He saw her for what she really was, his sensitive dog eyes able to see through the shroud of deception she covered herself with. She was really a witch. The phony French accent only added to the horror.

For the second time that week Wizard was glad he was a schoolhouse dog. For he remembered the ending to the story. He knew in his little doggy heart how to get rid of the witch. He walked up to the woman and saluted her with his leg.

The only sound in the room was "PPPPiiiiiissssssssssss," as a steady stream of urine burst forth from the full bladder of the small dog onto the exposed leg of the witch/Ghost of future bimbos.

'I'm melting, I'm melting, I'm melting----repeat." She moaned piteously.

Wizard woke up and shook his head, his ears flapping against his face. Ah, yes a fine meal topped off with a great dream. Only one way to finish it.